10 Reasons to Vote for Vermin Supreme! in 2016

Originally published in 2016 February issue of The Beacon magazine for Olentangy High School

sat·ire ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ noun

1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

He’s the 2016 presidential candidate you never heard of, but wish you did. Vermin Love Supreme—his legal name—and his zany wizard style cannot be topped. Not even a certain presidential hopeful with a bad haircut can trump Supreme, and here are 10 reasons why.

1. Are you indecisive? Then Vermin Supreme is the candidate for you. His campaign slogan delivers the promise: “The decision to vote for Vermin Supreme! is the last decision you will ever have to make.”
2. Are you a Doomsday Prepper? If so, you would be ahead of the curve under Supreme’s regime. With the zombie apocalypse fast approaching, no other candidate is more concerned for the country’s welfare than the King of the Rats.
3. Do you reject conventional weddings? Supreme is a certified minister for the Universal Life Church and licensed to officiate marriage ceremonies.
4. Always wanted a pony, but worried about money? As a member of the Pony Party, Supreme intends to rescue the economy by requiring everyone to own a pony. He claims this tactic will increase jobs, lower fossil fuel emissions and serve as a government-issued identification for citizens.
5. Do you brush your teeth? Clean chompers may be rewarded under Supreme’s proposed mandatory tooth brushing law, which aims to combat “moral and oral decay.”
6. Do you appreciate the magical properties of glitter? Supreme used the power of gold glitter to turn Republican candidate Randall Terry “gay” in 2011. A recording of the ritual can be found on YouTube.
7. Do you despise conventional fashion? The signature wide-calf rubber boot he wears as a hat may strike a chord in your own rebellious sole.
8. Do you despise protest violence? According to cnn.com, Supreme diffused tension between police and 2012 Florida protesters with humor.
9. Are you in denial of Dumbledore’s death? Of course you are. Let the leadership of this wizard doppelganger console your grief.
10. Do you not care about the political process, anyway? You might as well give up any rights you still have by electing this self-described “friendly fascist.”